Ideation

My writing requirements have been temporarily suspended due to some major life changes in the household. Don’t worry I’m not going anywhere.

Even though my requirement has been lifted, sometimes things pop in my head and I have to write. Today is one of those days.

So, everyone that has issues (drugs, alcohol, abuse, mental, emotional, etc., etc., etc) raise your hand. Yep, I got both in the air. I live with a few of these and it’s okay…most of the time.

I have been suicidal and attempted such more than once. “Normal” people don’t understand this depth of despair. I don’t wake up in the morning and sing with the birds, enjoy a cup of coffee in the predawn hours, plan a brunch with friends, and then master a new recipe for dinner.

No, I wake up and drag myself out of bed because the meds I need to sleep like a “normal” person make me groggy. I put my feet on the floor and stumble to the bathroom on an ankle that can predict the weather due to metal and surgery from an old injury. By this time, my brain has been able to begin engaging and it tells me, “fuck, here we go again; another day.” And then the mantra begins.

“It will be okay today. I will be fine. I won’t forget anything. I will get everything done. I will be on time. Drink water, not caffeine, read, eat healthy. Don’t get stuck on a tv show or Facebook. Don’t forget anything. Did you get everything done? Hey, remember that time in 1989 when you said that to your boyfriend. I think my brain hates me; I know my body does. I hate both of you.” And this tirade continues all day, everyday, loudly, and incessantly.

Then I think why bother, what’s the point of all this, life? I wake up, feed something, clean something, try to eat/drink normally, try to feel and act normally and end up just hating everything.

I recently disclosed to Sir that if I didn’t have so many people depending on me, I wouldn’t bother waking up, it would just be easier to check out. Don’t get me wrong, I have happy moments. But I have to work really hard to pay attention to those moments, savor them, and keep moving forward.

“Drink your water. Don’t forget to return that call. Do you remember that time when you were in 4th grade and that girl said that thing to you? I hate you…I hate you too.”