Fear and Loathing

So, there have been only two other submissives that I’ve talked to since I began this adventure as a submissive. And in those short “friendship” encounters I’ve learned that we all have a very similar personality; where we are insecure and need constant reassurance and acceptance from others, and more specifically from our Dominants.

Insecurity, fear of loss, with a healthy dose of self loathing lingers in our minds frequently. Are we good enough? Did we do “it” right? Is Sir pleased with “it”? Why am I like this? Why can’t I be different? Why can’t I be “better” or “normal”. You know the internal monologue. So, when life gets a little challenging with Sir those feelings are amplified, sometimes off the scale amplified.

I’ve learned that I’m more grey than black/white; Sir, being the polar opposite. When something is amiss He can see long term (the whole forest) and the end of the issue whereas I can only see short term (the bark on the tree) and this event is terminal.

With that terminality mindset, when I feel slightly threatened at losing Him; whether it be that He is going to leave me because of my innumerable issues or that He is no longer interested/bored or that He have found something better, my immediate reaction is to take off my collar or end our relationship. It is the stupidest thing ever, right? Oxymoron at its finest; I don’t want to lose you, but I’m scared that you’re going to leave me, so I’m leaving you first.

It’s a defense mechanism. That makes no sense, at all. I think if I quit and walk away, I can lash out and cause pain and fear, before you can do it to me. I can essentially turn off and act like I don’t care to inflict the pain and fear that I feel. It’s the “I hate you…don’t leave me” aspect of the Borderline Personality Disorder that inhabits most of my brain cells.

Rarely do I ever mean it. More often than not, it’s a cry for help because I can’t cope with the fear and loathing I feel continuously. Instead of saying “ok” agreeing with me and making plans to walk away, I need Sir to lean in and offer reassurance, love and support to quell that voice in the back of my head to be quiet.